I’ve said “I’m fine” when I wasn’t. Sometimes I was trying to protect myself. Sometimes I was trying to protect the other person.

I think some of that goes back to growing up female and receiving the message that I should be happy. Pleasant. Easy. (What does “be happy” even mean?!) “I’m fine” was an easy answer, though my friends and family usually knew better.

These days, when I notice the part of me that wants to pull away or change the subject, I try to pause. “Am I actually fine, or am I saying I’m fine because saying what’s true feels uncomfortable?”

If the situation feels safe enough, I try to give a more honest answer. Sometimes that answer is as simple as, “Actually, that didn't sit well with me.” Usually with a little dry Upstate New York humor thrown in.

People sometimes assume that because I’m a therapist, I must be an expert at conflict. Let’s set the record straight: I taught anger management for years and even taught an undergraduate course on it. I was learning as I went. 🙂

That’s probably why a recent piece by author Priya Parker stayed with me. Priya writes about what happens when families and groups avoid conflict altogether—and what it might take to stay in a difficult conversation with care.

It made me curious about the different parts of us that show up when there’s tension. One might want to smooth things over. Another might be angry. Another might be scared that honesty will cost us the relationship.

Sometimes keeping the peace feels safer than finding out whether the relationship can hold the truth.​
​

📝 Your Writing Bravely™ Prompt

Think of a time you said “I’m fine” when you weren’t. What were you hoping to protect? If you could go back to that moment with a little more safety and support, what might you say instead?

You don’t have to send it to anyone. You can just write it down and see what comes up.

And if you feel like sharing, hit reply and tell me what came up. I read every response.

A little news: I’ll be presenting at the Internal Family Systems (IFS) conference in three weeks! I’m looking forward to sharing more about that soon!

Want more writing prompts? Download a free sample of the Writing Through Grief and Loss Journal to get IFS journal prompts.

A little less “fine” and a little more curious,

Adina

P.S. If you’re a clinician or behavioral health provider curious about clinical hypnosis, I’m teaching an introductory workshop with RVA Counseling on October 2. Learn more here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/clinical-hypnotherapy-foundations-and-practical-applications-tickets-1995955841652​

​
​
​

​​​

​Unsubscribe · Preferences​